#21: I can be assertive. I think?

I’ve struggled for years to learn to be more assertive. I think the underlying issue is probably a self confidence thing: if I had more, I’d feel more secure in asking for what I want, or telling people my ideas without feeling shy or apprehensive about annoying the receiving party.

This has come up in my professional life; last year, during an impromptu pep talk, my employer encouraged me to break out of my diffidence. His instructional style is fast-paced and questioning, and he wants his listeners to actively engage and participate in the dialogue. So while telling me I needed to be more confident at work, he said, “You should be less reserved, and more…” and broke off to let me fill in the blank. Sadly, I’m awful at on-the-spot fill-in-the-blank type activities, so he tried to give me a hint: “More…assssss…”

“Asshole?” I thought. “No, that can’t be it. Don’t say that out loud.”

“Assertive!” he finally shared, as he saw the look of consternation on my face.

Oh. Right.

This issue has come to the fore this week, because I’m having car trouble. Specifically, my car’s air conditioning broke a few weeks ago. I live in a swamp; there are many things I would live without before I chose to give up my AC. Like…food, shoes, hot water. My family has been going to the same mechanic since 1979, so that of course is where I’ve always taken my cars when I’m in the area. I like the guys who work at this shop; they’ve always been super nice and helpful to me, not to mention the rest of my family around here.

Here’s the timeline:

August 2011: AC started to lose its cool. Repair: the repair shop recharged the refrigerant.
April 2012: Cold air began to disappear again. Repair: mechanic recharged the refrigerant again.
May 2012: No more cold air, plus the fan refused to turn on occasionally. Repair: they replaced the compressor. ($$$!)
May 2012: One week later, the AC fails again.

Of course, I’m really frustrated: I feel like they should have found the problem by now and fixed it. If there was even a problem with the compressor, why didn’t they check the whole system and make sure everything–including the fan–was fully operational? And was the compressor the problem when they were just adding more refrigerant?

So I let them know I needed them to take another look at it. I wanted to be forceful and assertive and say that I think this round should be done free of charge…because I’m not sure that the expensive repair this month was even needed. Plus, it’s a huge hassle for me to get my car to them: I commute 140 miles round trip each day for work, so I have to work out alternate transportation.

When I was ready to call, I wrote myself a little script and then plunged in. I actually didn’t do too badly, since my instinct in these situations is to adopt a higher-pitched voice and ask for help. (I think that’s due to socialization, and I hate it. Working on that very hard.) This time, I kept my voice in my normal register, but I didn’t make any demands, or even ask why they hadn’t realized there was still an issue with the system.

There’s still a chance: I have to talk to them again tomorrow. I’m going to rewrite my script, and maybe even (oh god, sad) practice it first. I think my reluctance to assert myself is two-pronged: I don’t want to annoy these people, and also, I can really see both sides of the issue. Perhaps it’s not an obvious thing to check the rest of the AC system when the compressor is repaired; I don’t know.

Regardless! This is a relatively safe space for me to practice being at least incrementally more assertive.

I’m reading this for tips!

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by Beth on May 23, 2012 • Permalink

Posted in FearKick Challenge

Tagged angry, assertive, car repair, fear, shyness

Posted by Beth on May 23, 2012

http://fearkick.com/2012/05/23/21-i-can-be-assertive-i-think/

#20: Surprisingly, I enjoy dating myself

This challenge was one of the originals that I came up with at the beginning of the year, and one that absolutely terrified me. I am uncomfortable with the thought of people looking at me, so why would I do something out of the usual in public? That’s (to my brain) like begging for attention.

In all my fear about what would happen when I tried this, however, I never came close to envisioning the actual outcome: I actually enjoyed myself.

Part of it was that I like my own company, and, other than the addition of a possible audience, am perfectly comfortable sitting and eating on my own.

Then there was another part: Somehow, I felt so proud of myself for trying this out that the pride transformed into this weird powerful feeling. I sat in a restaurant with no distractions, simply experiencing the moment, and felt this potent surge of confidence. Sure, I was alone, but I bet all the people glancing my way wished they were interesting enough to try it out. (My head got a little big there for a second, too.)

So that was really refreshing and energizing, and gave me the confidence I needed to continue. Next, I went to see a movie at my favorite theater. It’s smaller, with ridiculously nice amenities, like a marble (and always clean) bathroom, big leather armchair seats, and a full bar. I snagged a glass of prosecco on the way in, and then happily parked myself in my single seat. I guess the movie part was easier, because people don’t pay attention to each other at all once the film starts, but I still felt kind of ridiculously proud of myself.

Would I do this again? Probably. I generally don’t feel the need to eat out unless the point is to have fun with a companion, but it’s kind of thrilling to know that I’m capable of it and honestly not intimidated by the concept anymore. On the other hand, I feel even more secure in the thought of going to see a movie alone. As I said, I’d done that before, but always with a sort of cringing, apologetic attitude, trying not to let anyone realize that I was there alone. But for once, logic and emotion in my head are agreeing: who cares what the other people there think? I really don’t need their approval or permission to hang out with myself.

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by Beth on May 22, 2012 • Permalink

Posted in Results Show

Tagged dating, movies, solo

Posted by Beth on May 22, 2012

http://fearkick.com/2012/05/22/20-surprisingly-i-enjoy-dating-myself/

#20: I’m going on a date…with myself

I’m an introvert. (An ISFJ, to be exact.) Although I’ve come a long way from the eight year old who was petrified by attempting to talk to anyone other than my immediate famiy, I’m still at heart a quiet person who enjoys solitude. I recharge my energy stores by decompressing alone and in silence. I’m not totally solitary; I have friends and I love spending time with them, but I need that time interspersed with time for reflection and introspection.

So it’s odd, then, that a fear of mine is being alone in public. I can only speculate on the reason behind this, but I think that having with me minimizes the possibility that I might embarrass myself, or if I do, then the severity. (I’m not sure why I’m constantly convinced that I’ll be embarrassing myself in public, though…thoughts for another time.) If I’m walking down a street with my best friend and I trip, I can laugh it off with her and have someone there to commiserate with me. If I do that alone, I feel like I’m automatically an object of ridicule.

Secondary to that, I think that I have this misguided idea that if I’m alone in public, people will assume that I’m not good enough to have friends or anyone who wants to spend time with me. Thinking and typing that sentence is laughable, because it makes no damn sense! And yet, it’s a deep feeling that I can’t shake.

(My typical, therapy-inspired way of checking whether my thoughts are based in reality or not is to put someone else in my place, and ask if I would have the same thoughts about that other person. The answer is actually always no. So, for instance, if I saw someone out in public alone, would I assume that they were alone because they are a terrible person who can’t make a friend? Mmm…no. In fact, it wouldn’t strike me to wonder why they were alone at all.)

This week, I’m taking myself out on a date. A serious multi-event date: at the very least, it will involve dinner and a movie.

I’ve gone to see movies by myself a couple of times in the past, but I’ve been completely ashamed of myself for doing it, and waited till the lights went down to sneak into the theater, hoping no one would realize that I was sitting alone. (Again, disclaimer, I realize over in Logic Tower that no one else actually cares that I am alone, but Emotion Central is out of control, taking my thoughts in random illogical swervy paths.) So the goal this week will be to get there early and be proud and confident of being there alone (just short of making an announcement to the theater, anyway) and enjoying my own company and independence.

As for eating out alone: that’s a crippling fear that I’ve had for years and years and never ever tried to face. I thought about trying it once at an airport, but gave it up as a bad job when I noticed everyone else in the establishment was paired off. I’m going to go to an actual restaurant on a Friday or Saturday evening, calmly inform the person seating me that I’ll be dining alone, and enjoy a meal without resorting to hiding behind a book or fiddling with my phone. (Emotion: Oh really? You can’t get anyone you know to have dinner with you? Pretty sad.)

Whew. This one is perking up my anxiety antennae. Which is what makes it so worthwhile!

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by Beth on May 15, 2012 • Permalink

Posted in FearKick Challenge

Posted by Beth on May 15, 2012

http://fearkick.com/2012/05/15/20-im-going-on-a-date-with-myself/

#19: Learning to say no…and how to be a hypocrite

Part of the impetus for this week’s challenge was a conversation I had with a friend of mine who has just graduated from college. I don’t remember exactly how the subject arose (it was late at night, and weirdly, my brain acts drunk when I’m tired: losing inhibitions and forgetting everything), but I clearly recall my advice to her: “You can try to make other people happy every day of your life, but it will never make you happy.”

As I committed to self-reflection this week, I realized that I truly believe what I said to her. And yet, I don’t take that advice for myself. I’m still swinging away trying to please other people at every turn. I know for sure (for once) that I’m absolutely right–all of this effort has never brought me real happiness to my own life, and has in fact probably made me bitter in more than a few situations. Somehow, though, I haven’t realized yet that there are a lot of other things that I should worry about first. I really want to continue trying to pay attention to my own wants and needs and doing my best to rate them above the wants and needs of other people.

This isn’t to say that I have to be insensitive to other people. In fact, concentrating more on myself might make those around me happier, too. Trying to please other people involves a lot of predicting and guessing what they want and what they’re feeling…and the people around me can make those decisions for themselves. Maybe it’s actually more awkward for everyone all around with my efforts to anticipate what other people want.

I’m not sure what the best way to focus on this is, but I’ll continue as I’ve started: by paying attention in discrete situations to determining what I want, and how to best work that out.

Part of me will always want to make other people happy, and to try to impress my brother and the other people I look up to. But I’m going to give the people I care about the chance to be pleased that I’m making the effort to take care of myself, too.

Things I am sure don’t make me happy: child modeling. And pink eyeshadow.

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by Beth on May 14, 2012 • Permalink

Posted in Results Show

Posted by Beth on May 14, 2012

http://fearkick.com/2012/05/14/19-learning-to-say-no-and-how-to-be-a-hypocrite/

#19: Just say no (without apologizing)

I sort of won the family lottery when I was born. My older brother is the person I hope I would be smart enough to choose if people chose their own families. He’s always inspired me, endlessly encouraged me, and pushed me to do more and be better. I’ve learned more from him than probably anyone else in my life. And the security of someone always having my back has shaped a lot of my life.

Of course, we had our share of arguments and fighting as children, but by the time he took off for college, he was firmly established as one of my lifelong role models.

He helped teach me to read…

This is a book.

Explained how things work….

This is how you do the first day of school.

Listened to me natter on about nothing, and everything…

Plotting.

Honed my debating skills…

I had a really good argument here, I’m sure.

Coaxed me to run my first (and second!) 5k…

Early practice run.

And his enthusiasm for and encouragement of this project has been unflagging.

Obviously committed to my success—I don’t think that came off very fast.

I tend to prioritize other people’s feelings and opinions above my own: I’m a people pleaser. And the more I care about another person’s good opinion, the more likely I am to always want to say yes to every idea and suggestion and plan. Part of this is really because there are moments and people whose happiness is sometimes more important to me than my own, and sometimes that manifests by eagerly agreeing to anything. Part of it is that I really do respect and marvel at the perfection of the ideas and suggestions and plans and want to fit them into my life.

But sometimes I need to remember that someone else’s ideas might not match up with my needs and wants. And I need to learn how to say no. As tough as that is for me on a day-to-day basis (at work, etc) it’s exponentially more difficult when it comes to a suggestion put forward by Andy. My brain is wired to be prepared to believe that everything he suggests is for the best and I’d better just get on with it.

That phenomenon led me to a weird moment on Saturday at the theme park. I was texting my brother about the rides, and he was encouraging me to try the terrifying 90 degree drop coaster. I balked, although I was seriously considering it. I mean, Andy thought I should do it…who am I to argue? He’s usually right! But the more I considered, the more I realized that I just wasn’t up for purposely raking up more anxiety in myself unnecessarily. So I said no. (Weirdly, saying a definitive no to him made me feel a rush of anxiety almost as acute as the one caused by the thought of SheiKra.) And then felt guilty as hell for the rest of the day.

I need to learn that it’s not only okay to say no, but that it’s okay to say no even to the people I want more than anything to respect me. In fact, maybe that would garner me more respect in and of itself.

The challenge this week is confronting this issue and sort of trying to unpack it further, and to begin to feel secure enough with myself and the people who care about me to challenge them more frequently.

It’s weird to know someone who has the same exact nose I do.

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by Beth on May 9, 2012 • Permalink

Posted in FearKick Challenge

Tagged family, fearkick, just say no, role models

Posted by Beth on May 9, 2012

http://fearkick.com/2012/05/09/19-just-say-no-without-apologizing/

#18 Results: No A+ on my theme park midterm

Overall grade: B-

Decent effort, much fun was had, but despite my plans, I wasn’t able to try out a weekend without fear. It’s like this awful heavy itchy wool coat that I force myself to wear, when it would be so much easier to just take it off and step away from it for a breather. (Was that analogy heavy-handed enough?)

Okay but really: a 90 degree face-down fall? NO THANK YOU.

I had a great time with Aline and Matt, which is where most of my grade comes from. I love spending time with them, so I did my best to concentrate on that instead of my varied insecurities, with mixed success.

On Friday night, we went to a bar in Tampa for a while, and that was probably the hardest as far as my fear of people looking at me goes.

When I was younger and thinner, when I walked through a bar, people would look me in the eye and hold my gaze for a moment. I don’t know if I assumed that’s how humans interacted in that situation? But this–the first time I’ve been in that kind of social situation in over four years–no one would meet my eye…they just slid right past and seemed to look through me. It’s a horrifying feeling, only partly because it reinforces my belief that I’m not good enough for other people. There are plenty of other reasons to ascribe that feeling to (I was older than most of the people in the room; I probably had an unfriendly expression on my face), but as usual, anxiety sent me to the worst-case scenario first.

In some ways, actually being in crowds of people is easier than imagining it beforehand. The theme park was pretty easy. I wasn’t comfortable with myself, but after a while, the heat and sweat just sort of melted down my defenses and I didn’t give a rip about what anyone thinks of me.

On to the roller coasters! Our first stop of the day was Cheetah Hunt (weird, that video makes it seem much less terrifying than it was in real life), where I hyperventilated gently for the entire 60-minute wait. Standing in that line really brought home to me how weird it is that I had a ten-year period where I loved those rides, and couldn’t get enough of going on them, especially in the front row. I’m not

This tiger.

sure where this new terror is coming from…maybe as I get older, I’m less willing to engage in (ha ha) risky behaviors? Like roller coasters! No, really, I don’t know.

Even though that coaster was pretty tame, I was pretty much done pushing myself for the day, and I settled in to enjoy animal watching. My brother was encouraging me (via text) to really break boundaries and go for SheiKra, but I could barely breathe just looking at the thing, so I overcame my fear of saying no to him and skipped it. After that, the scariest thing that happened was a tiger trying to pee on us.

So, you know, marks for showing up, and some effort, but really there could have been more. I could have pushed myself further. And yet, I’m not, at this moment, disappointed in myself for shutting things down. Which is a new and kind of enjoyable sensation all on its own.

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by Beth on May 8, 2012 • Permalink

Posted in Results Show

Posted by Beth on May 8, 2012

http://fearkick.com/2012/05/08/18-results-no-a-on-my-theme-park-midterm/

Fear kicking on Facebook!

FearKick has a Facebook page! I’m excited to share moment-to-moment bits of my terrified stream of consciousness as I take on challenges. Please join me over there and talk about what you’re afraid of, what I shouldn’t be afraid of, and other awesome things about the awesome people who read this blog.

There will not be any actual frogs there.

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by Beth on May 3, 2012 • Permalink

Posted in Unrelated

Tagged facebook, fearkick, hey there

Posted by Beth on May 3, 2012

http://fearkick.com/2012/05/03/fear-kicking-on-facebook/

#18: I’ll take one theme park with some terror on the side, please

This week’s challenge is going to be a midterm exam (™ Matt y) of sorts. Two of my awesome friends invited me to Busch Gardens on Saturday to celebrate a graduation for one of them.

Therefore, this weekend will involve:

Staying overnight away from home.
Scary-ass rides. My brother sent me this link and I started anxiety-breathing just reading about the 90° drop. (Then he sent me a kitten video afterwards so I was okay.)
Walking around a theme park.

The logical portion of my brain says, “Hello, psycho, going to a theme park, with some people you really like, is actually fun.” But the logical portion of my brain seems to be smaller and weaker than the anxiety portion. (I also like to imagine parts of my brain having mini conversations and wrestling matches with each other.)

1. Yes, this still is a bit of a problem for me. At least, it’s present, but I’m fighting it by living through it anyway instead of avoiding it.

2. Probably the easiest to deal with. I have a weird history with roller coasters: as a kid, I was petrified and refused to try anything remotely roller coastery, but my brother nagged me until I agreed to try out an easy one with him. (In fact, I think he bought me something I wanted as a bribe…what kind of a person am I?!) I immediately loved it and made him go with me again ten more times.

Since then, I’ve believed I’ve done away with my fear of rides, but I realized recently that it’s still there…I was either repressing it (which is kind of awesome) or ignoring it until the moment I step into the line for a ride. I was convinced I was going to die on the Harry Potter ride at Universal last year, and even though I love the Hulk roller coaster and rode it, I was also pretty convinced I would die on that one, too. So I’m caught in this weird space between love and rampant terror, and I’m not quite sure how to deal with that. Or whether or not I’ll chicken out of going on SheiKra.

3. This is the worst part. I had this vague dread when I thought about going, and when I focused on unpacking it for 3.8 seconds I realized that the fear is this statement going through my mind: Because I am fat and unattractive. Okay so that was verbatim out of my brain…now let me soften it by saying that I realize that is completely irrational and silly.

Beyond that, it’s crazy that this is the reason I’m dreading a perfectly fun activity. But there will be so many people there, and crowds kind of squick me out anyway, and I’ll be awkward and ill-dressed in the middle of these crowds, with no way to avoid anyone’s accidental gaze or (imaginary!) judgment. Yeah, I know those people are at the park to have fun themselves, and probably couldn’t care less about a single other person’s hang-ups and physical attributes, but…. But.

If logic worked for me, I would think, hey, I’m losing weight since I changed my diet, I should therefore find this experience easier than I found my 2011 theme park experience. Sadly, logic is a cold, cold bastard, busy polishing its grandmother’s heirloom silver in a dusty basement in North Dakota and unavailable for comment.

The good thing is that I’ll be imbibing a healthy dose of fun with my fears this week, no matter how those fears end up playing out.

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by Beth on May 1, 2012 • Permalink

Posted in FearKick Challenge

Tagged #firstworldproblems, Busch Gardens, fear, fearkick, midterm exam, theme park

Posted by Beth on May 1, 2012

http://fearkick.com/2012/05/01/18-ill-take-one-theme-park-with-some-terror-on-the-side-please/

#17 Results: Positive, grateful thoughts are more difficult than anticipated

Okay, I admit it. This fear actually kicked me back. Every time I tried to begin to put together a post in my mind, I was focusing on negatives about myself instead of the things that I’m grateful for. It was uncomfortable, I was mad at myself for it, and so I avoided the issue altogether.

Here are the some of things I should have written:

Friends

I’m not a very social person, and I don’t know many people in my town. But I do have several overwhelmingly wonderful friends who I’m forever grateful for. So when I start to subconsciously focus on the negatives (possibly being ignored by one, for instance), and then extrapolate out of that all the things that therefore must be wrong with me as a friend. What I should be thinking about are things like the year I had a birthday party in the back corner of beyond–at New Year’s!–and twelve of the thirteen friends I invited came.

My favorite misspelling

Nature

Sometimes I wish I lived in a place with mountains and woodsy hiking trails to explore, but I’ll take Florida’s swampy goodness for now. Being in nature grounds me. I think my two years living in a big city were the toughest on me because I didn’t have easy access to undeveloped natural areas to sink into. Back in Florida again, I worked in an office with no windows for a few years–on particularly stressful days, I would occasionally drive to the beach and walk into the Gulf and just stand in the water to relax. I’m now in an office with windows and real trees outside, and I love that I can take a moment and just stare at leaves.

Olympic National Park

Role Models

I am so fortunate to have multiple people in my life who I consider role models. In my day-to-day life, if I’m questioning my own behavior, I think about how I can better emulate those people. I just consider myself so lucky to know these people, and more than that, to have them as real friends.

Andy, Matt, and Sara

Gah! Yeah, that was harder than it should have been. I’m going to consider this a teachable moment–it’s showing me how very far I have to go to be more positive.

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by Beth on April 29, 2012 • Permalink

Posted in Results Show

Posted by Beth on April 29, 2012

http://fearkick.com/2012/04/29/17-results-positive-grateful-posts-are-more-difficult-than-anticipated/

FearKick 17.1: Green blue gray

I find few things as soothing as just staring at wide swaths of color, mostly colors I’d see in nature. My absolute favorite is a gray-greeny-blue, like a pool of water, or one of those in-between twilight sky shades. As simple as it sounds, staring at those colors can calm me and bring me a dot of happiness in an otherwise swirling mess of a day.

I adore translucent chrysoprase.