I am so far behind.

Hi. So…I am way behind in my posting schedule, and my challenge-myself schedule.

I’d like to try to explain why in a stream-of-consciousness bulleted list that I composed in my head while trying to fall asleep (so get ready, you know it’s going to be good!).

  • My brain is actually physically resistant to writing this.
  • I’ve been worried about running out of ideas for posts.
  • I’m worried my posts are boring, and therefore am reluctant to think of new ones or write.
  • Then I become embarrassed for falling behind schedule.
  • I feel like I’m inefficient at my job, partly because I’m struggling to concentrate and focus.
  • Either the cause or the effect of all of the above: I’ve slipped into a very minor depression momentarily and am working to get out of it. I think I need to take better care of myself physically, including getting back to the Whole30.

Physical approximation of my tiny dip of depression.
Photo © Apache-Sitgreaves National Forests on Flickr

  • Then I feel guilty for feeling depressed when my life is comparatively pretty damn easy.
  • So I decide to stop being so selfish and challenge myself with someone that benefits other people, like volunteering.
  • But I’m so down I haven’t brought myself to make the effort to get set up yet. (For instance, volunteering at the Humane Society in my town is intimidating: they ask that you commit to a set schedule every week, and I’m waffling about that. I’m scared to commit.)
  • Then I remind myself how supportive everyone has been throughout this entire year of this project, and I realize that I feel like I’m letting everyone down.

Confirmed: everyone is disappointed.

  • I want to address my depression by eating better, and maybe trying yoga, but then I freeze in terror at the thought of trying to join a yoga class at my current size/inflexibility.
  • Then I get sick of stupid, pointless self-pity and yell angrily in my head, which gets me nowhere.

I’m soliciting any butt-kicking you’d like to send my way.

Right now, I’m going to go have a cup of tea, and do my best to channel all this confused murky faint unhappiness into some awesome posts and tough challenges.

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1 Comment

  1. Elissa

     /  September 1, 2012

    You’re not letting anyone down. I love your writing style…and I completely deleted the first blog I tried to write. Oh, and I know when I was in FL I found some places that will do a 1:1 lesson for yoga first to introduce it to you… I never went through with it, but I too was nervous about just going into a class with no background. I can never follow those videos and I always feel like I’m not doing the poses right and I will just hurt myself then.

    Reply

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